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【摘要】小爱今天给大家分享一个零恋爱经历的“高知小白”认清渣男,及时跳脱,被阳光反差萌优质男追求的案例。为了方便表述,我们用第一人称来给宝宝们描述:01学员自述:我今年35岁,留学回国后在一家上市公司做管理层,工作顺利就情场失意,已经三十多岁但是一段恋爱都没有谈过,看着别人成双成对的我真的很焦虑。好几次闺蜜和她男朋友一起野餐都想叫上我,但是我一个人还是别去当人家的电灯泡了。她也一直催促我赶紧找个男朋友,大家一起出去玩多美啊,可是我何尝不想这样呢,是...

小爱今天给大家分享一个零恋爱经历的“高知小白”认清渣男,及时跳脱,被阳光反差萌优质男追求的案例。


为了方便表述,我们用第一人称来给宝宝们描述:


01

学员自述:


我今年35岁,留学回国后在一家上市公司做管理层,工作顺利就情场失意,已经三十多岁但是一段恋爱都没有谈过,看着别人成双成对的我真的很焦虑。


好几次闺蜜和她男朋友一起野餐都想叫上我,但是我一个人还是别去当人家的电灯泡了。


她也一直催促我赶紧找个男朋友,大家一起出去玩多美啊,可是我何尝不想这样呢,是我对爱情的要求太高了吗?




其实身边都很多人无论是介绍还是相亲,都会给我物色各种各样的男生,但我一直觉得爱情是可遇不可求的,缘分那么妙不可言,肯定不是靠自己去打着灯笼找或者是直接相亲送上门来的。


我心目中的美好爱情就是在某个转角,某个街道,忽然之间的目光交汇,就知道一定是那个人了。


可是大家都觉得这很不切实际,但爱情不就是这种玄妙的东西吗?考虑各种之后的权衡利弊还是爱情吗?那不就是做生意了吗?


一次偶然的机会,我在一个线上活动里认识了一个男生,就像是在平庸的世界里遇到了有趣的灵魂一样,他总会给我各种各样的惊喜。


一开始我以为他是一个只专注于工作的直男,但是没想到他又特别有生活,喜欢健身看剧美食打卡。


之后我又以为他生活这么丰富肯定有很多的异性朋友,但是他的朋友圈又很“干净”,都是和一些男性朋友的来往。


每次都会给我一种“哇,他还有这样的一面!”我感觉他一定是我要找的人。




后来他知道我们不在一个城市,对我的态度渐渐的冷了下来,我提出想要和他见面,他就说可以先发照片看一下。


我很忐忑,因为我的身材并不是很好,虽然总是会运动健身,但还是有点微胖,不是男生喜欢的瘦瘦的类型。


我把照片发过去之后他很久都没有回复。


就在我觉得他肯定是觉得我不是他喜欢的类型所以要放弃的时候,他忽然发来了消息说“很好看啊”,瞬间心里就觉得一颗石头落了地,整个人身上的细胞都放松了一样。


因为不在一个城市,我就总会给他点各种外卖,想着多送点礼物给他,出差看到适合他的钱包领带之类的也会寄给他。




但我发现他慢慢地对我不冷不热,有一种奇怪的感觉就是:我对他好的时候他就开始偏向冷漠,我一旦有所纠结和怀疑他就又开始热情,给我希望。


我的闺蜜和朋友们都说他是渣男,就是为了享受我的好,并不是想要和我谈恋爱,不然不会一直不提见面确定关系,只有我傻傻的在这里付出。


但我一直相信他肯定不是渣男,只是觉得想再考虑考虑,可是有一天,戏剧性的一幕发生了。


我因为工作原因认识了一个名媛,加了联系方式,有天这个名媛发了一条自己自拍的朋友圈,下面竟然有这个男生的点赞和评论。


评论还是“今天可是漂亮的小仙女呢”。


他是从来都不会这样和我讲话的,我开始陷入自我挣扎和自我怀疑,但是我真的很喜欢他,我一直都把他当成命中注定的人。


所以我周折了很多机构找到了日出老师。




老师很耐心了听了我的问题之后跟我说先不要过于焦虑和纠结,帮我梳理了一下我的问题点。


老师说其实我很优秀,但就是因为对自己的外在条件不满意,所以对方给了一点积极地反馈就非常的开心,并且会越来越依赖他所给予我的情绪价值,我就会越陷越深,越来越投入。


他就是抓住了我对自己不够自信的心理和没有谈过恋爱的梦幻理想,所以才出现了一推一拉的模式对待我。


我是一个非常坚持自我的人,即使之前有很多朋友都说这个男生是渣男,但我都不信,我觉得仅仅凭借几个小事情就这样认定太武断,我真的非常相信他不会欺骗我的感情。


直到他有很长的一段时间都对我爱答不理,我和日出老师说明了情况,老师开始一步步的引导我和他说话,我才意识到之前的一切“惊喜”都只是他的“人设”。




第一步是用关心来启动对话,就像往常一样,我对他表示出了担心他的身体和工作强度大的事情,他的回答不温不火。


第二步用情绪来引导对话,聊天时关注了对方的情绪来聊天,他依旧是不冷不热的像往常一样,没聊几句就说去工作了。


第三步就是重头戏了,日出老师一直给予我精神上的鼓励,说我线条非常好,只是缺乏了对自己的认同感,所以就不自信,气场弱,对方才会抓到气口。


经过一段时间的学习和提升自己各方面的气质,我开始有很大的自信去拍正面的写真照,而且那种骨子里透出来的自信我自己都可以感觉到。


老师让我把这个照片发到朋友圈里,没想到那个男生主动给我发了消息还一顿称赞。




很神奇,经过这段时间的心态学习和建设,我有了潜移默化的改变,这次他对我的积极反馈并没有让我想要去贴近他依赖他,我并没那么在意他的评价了,也果断的放弃了他。


我这才意识到,其实我在和老师学习的这段过程中已经慢慢的把对他的情绪依赖变成了对自己的肯定,我已经有了足够的自信去面对感情,不再需要别人给予。


老师之后跟我说:爱情确实是可遇不可求的,但是这个可遇并不是偶遇,可求也并不是去上赶着讨好,这中间是有一个区间的。


这个区间里有各种让你去接触男人的途径,这是“遇”,慢慢的引导感情走向正轨,相知相恋,这是“求”。




我一下明白了之前的我因为没有爱情经历,总是极端的幻想电视剧里的恋爱,但其实爱情也是需要先“走出去”、才能“引进来”的。


现在,我不再像之前那样不切实际的爱情幻想,也开始踏踏实实的“打开”自己,参加各种活动,见各种朋友,去谈实实在在的恋爱。


我发现这样进行了一段时间后,我的焦虑感也消失了,日出老师说:“就是因为之前的爱情执念导致你在自我肯定和自我怀疑之间循环纠结,才开始焦虑,相应的释放之后,才是真正的轻松自然。”


之后,日出老师继续带我明确了自己的成长目标,让我明白了自己应该怎样去寻找真正的爱情,而不是停留幻想。


也让我明白了其实男人对于爱情也是有自己的预期和想法的,我渐渐找到了门道,明白了什么样的男生是适合我的,我应该如何跟这样的男生去交往。




我通过闺蜜的介绍认识了一个男生,人很阳光幽默,但工作上非常的谨慎认真,是一个反差萌的优质男。


接触了一段时间后,他说“感受到了你身上特别强大的自信光环,好像你觉得什么事情都可以迎刃而解,有成熟,也有可爱,很舒服”。


慢慢的,他开始追求我,每天会有说不完的话题,我也在很舒服的做自己,原来这就是爱情最本真的样子啊。


真的很感谢日出老师,让我有了最“能打”的自信,和最纯真的幸福。




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02


咨询师助理总结:


我们可以看出,案例里的女孩子各个方面都非常优秀,而且足够聪明,但一直都没有谈恋爱,35岁还被渣男欺骗了感情。


其实根本上是因为过度“脑补爱情”后,并不懂得对方是真心还是“套路”,一味的去照着自己的剧本进行,最终落入渣男的陷阱里。


但其实,只要明白“自己需要的爱情是什么”,“什么样的男人可以给我这样的爱情”“怎么去和这样的男生相处交往”之后,很多问题就迎刃而解。


其实,大多数男生不太坚信女生那一套“来电”的钟情理论,他们更在乎对方是否能满足自己对于爱情的实际需求。


所以,对于男人来讲,找到相处舒服的,懂他的,才是男人最想要的。


对于女人来讲,找到一个合适的人很重要,但更关键的是要和对方舒适相处,才能让他觉得你就是那个对的人,就要对你无限付出!



Little love gives everybody to share a 0 love to experience today " know Xiaobai high " recognize broken bits male, jump in time, by sunshine contrast bud the case of high grade male pursuit.


State to go to the lavatory, we come to darling with the first person people description:


01

Student an account in one's own words:


I this year 35 years old, study abroad after going back to the motherland, the company appears on the market to do administrative layer in, the work is great with respect to affection field is frustrated, already more than 30 years old but a paragraph of love had not talked, look at I others is geminate and didymous true angst.


Many times a picnic misses boudoir honey and her boy friend call me, but my person or the bulb that do not go becoming a family.


She also urges I look for a boy friend rapidly all the time, everybody goes out to appreciate much beauty together, but my why does not think such, be me too tall to the requirement of love?




Actually beside no matter very much person is to introduce to still date, can give me the man student with various choose, but I feel love is to be able to encounter what cannot beg all the time, lot is so wonderful, not be to rely on oneself to hitting a lantern to search to perhaps date directly for certain send those who come to come.


The good love in my memory is in namely a certain corner, a certain street, suddenly the look between is handed in collect, knowing is that person certainly.


But everybody feels this is very highbrow, but is love this kind of abstruse thing? Consider all sorts of balance advantages and disadvantages later or love? Is that deal?


Accidental opportunity, I met a man student in the activity on a line, resembling is like interesting soul was being encountered in commonplace world, he always can give me various surprises.


At the beginning I think he is only dedicated at the job straight male, but did not think of he has the life particularly again, like fitness to see drama cate play card.


I think he lives again later the opposite sex friend that so rich affirmation has a lot of, but his friend is encircled very " clean " , it is the contact with friend of a few men.


Can give me every time a kind " wow, he still has such one side! " I feel he is certain is the person that I should seek.




He knows we are absent later a city, the manner to me gradually cold come down, I put forward to want to meet with him, he says to be able to send a photograph to look first.


I very perturbed, because my figure is not very good, although always be meeting motion fitness, but a bit small still fat, not be a schoolboy those who like is thin thin type.


He is very long after I go photograph hair did not reply.


When the type that feels in me he is to feel I am not he likes for certain should abandon so, he sent a message to say suddenly " very good-looking ah " , feel a stone fell in instantaneous heart the ground, like rectifying the cell on individual body to be loosened.


Because be absent a city, I am nodded to him with respect to total meeting all sorts of outside sell, wanting to send bit of gift to give him more, be away on official business see those who suit his purse cravat and so on also can send him.




But I discover he is opposite slowly I am not cold not hot, having a kind of strange feeling is: He begins deflection inhospitality when I am good to him, I once somewhat kink and suspect he begins enthusiasm again, give me the hope.


My boudoir honey and friends say he is broken bits male, it is to enjoy me good, not be to want to talk about love with me, won't not carry all the time otherwise meet to concern certainly, I am only foolish foolish pay here.


But I believe he is affirmative all the time is not broken bits male, just feel to want to consider a consideration again, but one day, dramatic one act happened.


I knew a renown Yuan because of working reason, imposed connection kind, one day this renown Yuan sent a friend group that he takes oneself, there are the dot assist of this schoolboy and comment actually below.


Comment or " today can be beautiful small fairy " .


He won't speak with me so, I begin to be immersed in ego to struggle to suspect with ego, but I like him very much really, I regard him as all the time fated person.


So my setbacks a lot of orgnaizations found sunrise teacher.




The teacher is very patient say not to want first with me after the issue that heard me too angst and kink, helped me comb my issue feature.


The teacher says I am very actually outstanding, but because explicit to oneself condition is dissatisfactory,be, so the other side gave a bit actively feedback exceedingly happy, and meet more and more the mood value that depends on his place to give me, I can jump over defect deeper, more and more devoted.


He held my not quite self-confident to oneself psychology and the dreamy ideal that had not talked about love namely, just appeared to push the mode that pulls to treat me so.


I am special the person that holds to ego, although before a lot of friends say this man student is broken bits male, but I am not believed, I feel mere to depend on affection of a few bagatelle to be maintained so too arbitrary, I believe he won't cheat my feeling very much really.


Till him very long period of time loves to answer to me pay no attention to, I and sunrise teacher showed a case, the teacher begins one step by step guide I and him to talk, everything before I just realize " surprise " be him only " the person is set " .




The first pace is to use a care to start a conversation, as usual, I expressed to worry about the issue with his body and working large intensity to him, his answer is not lukewarm not fire.


The 2nd step conducts a dialogue with the mood, the mood that the other side paid close attention to when chatting will chat, he is not cold lukewarm as before as usual, did not talk about a few to said to work.


The 3rd pace is a grand opera, sunrise teacher gives me the encouragement on spirit all the time, say my line is first-rate, just lacked the self-identity to oneself to feel, so not self-confident, gas field is weak, enrage a mouth to can be being caught just now.


The study that passes period of time and the temperament that promote oneself each respect, the photo that I begin to very big self-confidence goes taking the obverse side is illuminated, and the self-confident myself that the sort of in one's heart comes out fully can feel.


The teacher lets me send this picture in friend circle, did not think of that schoolboy sent a message actively to still praise suddenly to me.




Very magical, the state of mind that passes this paragraph of time learns and build, I had the change of exert a subtle influence on, this he feedbacks actively to mine and did not let me want to go he depends on press close to he, I am done not have so mind his assessment, decisive also abandoned him.


My this ability realizes, actually I am in and in this paragraph of process of teacher study already slowly depend on the mood to him became the affirmation to oneself, I had had enough self-confidence to face sentiment, need others to give no longer.


Say with me after the teacher: Love is to be able to encounter what cannot beg really, but this can be encountered is not come across, can be being begged also is not to go up driving flattery, there is an interval among this.


There are all sorts of ways that allow you to engage a man in this interval, this is " encounter " , slowly guide feeling to move toward the right path, the bosom friend is in love, this is " beg " .




I because I before understanding am experienced without love, always be the love in airy teleplay of the extreme, but actually love also is need first " go " , ability " introduce come " .


Now, before I resemble no longer, highbrow in that way love is imagined, also begin sureness " open " oneself, enter all sorts of activities, see all sorts of friends, go talking about real love.


After my discovery had period of time so, my anxiety sense also disappeared, sunrise teacher says: "Because,be the love before hold read aloud bring about you to be between self-approval and ego suspicion circular kink, just begin worry, after be being released accordingly, just be true relaxed nature. Just be true relaxed nature..


Later, sunrise teacher continues to took me to make clear me growing target, let me understand how me should search real love, is not to keep an illusion.


Also make me clear actually man to love also be the anticipation that has oneself and idea, I found way to do sth gradually, understood what kind of schoolboy suits me, how I should interact with such schoolboy.




I met a man student through the introduction of boudoir honey, person very sunshine is humorous, but exceeding discretion is serious on the job, be bud of a contrast is high grade male.


After engaging period of time, he says " experienced the particularly powerful self-confident aureola on your body, be like you to feel what thing is OK be readily solved, have maturity, also have lovely, very comfortable " .


Slowly, he begins to go after me, can have the topic that does not say everyday, I also am in very comfortable do oneself, so this is love most this true appearance ah.


Thank sunrise teacher very much really, let me have most " can hit " self-confident, with the purest happiness.




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02


Advisory division assistant sums up:


We can see, the girl in case each respects are very outstanding, and enough and clever, but did not talk about love all the time, 35 years old are returned by broken bits male deceit feeling.


Because,going up at all actually is excessive " cerebral filling love " hind, knowing the other side is sincerity or " cover a region " , blindly the play that goes illuminating oneself undertakes, fall finally into broken bits in male trap.


But actually, should understand only " what is the love that oneself need " , "What kind of man can give me such love " " how to go getting along with such schoolboy association " later, a lot of problems with respect to be readily solved.


Actually, most schoolboy not quite be certain schoolgirl that one " incoming telegram " loving theory, they more care about the other side to whether can satisfy his the effective demand to love.


So, will tell to the man, find get along comfortable, know him, just be a man most want.


Will tell to the woman, it is very important to find a right person, but more crucial is to should be mixed the other side is comfortable get along, ability lets him feel you are that right person, be about to be paid indefinitely to you!


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