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和一个视野开阔的人谈恋爱很重要

【摘要】和一个视野开阔的人谈恋爱很重要文|杨熹文失去联络多年的朋友,在QQ上出现,地理位置显示在澳大利亚,我在屏幕这端惊呼,看那一端连续发来的惊叹号。两个十几岁相识的玩伴,成长为今日奔三的女人,花费掉几乎一整天的时间,才弥补上失联后各自生活的片段。我们在彼此的故事里兴奋尖叫也流泪叹气,她忽然抛来一个娇羞的媚眼:“想不想听听我这几年的感情经历?”我点点头,发给她一个八卦的神色。1朋友的第一段恋情发生在校园里,那时她20岁。两个主修不同专业的年轻人,在自习室里谦让一个...

和一个视野开阔的人谈恋爱很重要

文 |杨熹文  

失去联络多年的朋友,在QQ上出现,地理位置显示在澳大利亚,我在屏幕这端惊呼,看那一端连续发来的惊叹号。两个十几岁相识的玩伴,成长为今日奔三的女人,花费掉几乎一整天的时间,才弥补上失联后各自生活的片段。我们在彼此的故事里兴奋尖叫也流泪叹气,她忽然抛来一个娇羞的媚眼:“想不想听听我这几年的感情经历?”我点点头,发给她一个八卦的神色。


1

朋友的第一段恋情发生在校园里,那时她20岁。两个主修不同专业的年轻人,在自习室里谦让一个座位,“只是因为在人群中多看了你一眼”,彼此都认定这是一段注定的姻缘。


校园恋情不需要什么复杂的元素,自习室肩并肩的陪伴,食堂里分享一顿晚餐,深夜里的晚安短信,周末手牵手地轧马路,都足以成就一段简单的感情。


可是,渐渐的,朋友发现男朋友身上一些奇怪的行为。比如,当自己为了减肥过午不食晚上在自习室肚子饿得咕咕叫时,男朋友会强行把她拖到食堂里叫一份丰盛的盖浇饭。起先朋友十分感动,却看到男朋友在结账的时候后退一步,一边看她在包里慌忙翻饭卡,一边和食堂阿姨解释:“不是给我吃的……”又比如,每次和哥们儿聚餐后,男朋友都要喜滋滋地和她讲:“真好,又是xx抢着买的单……”甚至连两个人一起下馆子改善伙食的时候,男朋友都不忘提醒她:“上回是我结的账,这回……”


除了对自己的钱包有着绝对的谨慎,男朋友在生活中也有着固执且偏激的见解。


每当看到有男生开着奔驰宝马出现在校园里时就认定“绝对是拼爹一族”,听说女生在名企得到一份实习工作就妄加猜测“一定有干爹相助”,同时也常常把自己这份平凡的家世当作若干失败的借口:“没办法,再努力也只能是穷人的命!”


但这些并不能阻止朋友选择在毕业后和他留在同一个城市奋斗,她相信爱情可以克服一切缺陷,可同居生活很快就给她带来了巨大的改变。朋友不再定期去书店买杂志和小说,因为男朋友说:“书那么贵,在网上看不是一样嘛?”


她也不再更新在网上写了三年的博客,因为男朋友看了两眼就失去兴趣:“你那些无病呻吟的文章有谁会去看?!”她不再建议周末去电影院看3D大片,不再期待为年假计划一次旅行,不再关心哪个文艺青年的小说在热卖,甚至不再出席和闺蜜们每周一次的下午茶,而是彻底融进庸碌的人群中,专心做一个只关心一日三餐和生活琐事的姑娘。


2

毕业两年后,朋友去参加同学聚会,惊讶地发现昔日里被自己埋怨老土的男生,都和埃菲尔铁塔合了影,听着女生间讨论着某个作家的新书和专栏,她这个当年的才女竟对此一无所知。


餐桌上有人谈论当晚的菜系,有人谈国外经历,有人讨论投资理财,有人问她:“这两年都在忙什么啦?”她苦笑,不知所云,对着面前的螃蟹干瞪眼。


朋友回家后默默翻出银行卡,两万块是自己全部的积蓄,她封存了许久的旅行梦在心底蠢蠢欲动,推了推电视前的男朋友:“我们去旅行一次吧,就去东南亚,穷游也可以见识一下这个世界!”她的男朋友扭过头,推了推眼镜,义正词严地说:“对不起,我还是比较喜欢踏踏实实过日子的女孩子。”


朋友花一个晚上收拾行李,把出租屋里和自己有关的每一件东西都塞进了垃圾桶。她彻底和过去斩断联系,删除男朋友所有联络方式,辞掉那份永远没有升迁机会的工作,紧握一张两万块的银行卡,想补给自己一个迟到的间隔年。


可是梦想总是比现实来得浪漫简单,当她真正开始为一整年的旅行做计划时,却发现自己原来没有那么勇敢,各种从未经手的问题都摆在了眼前,去国内游还是国外游?国外游签证怎么办?去哪个国家?不会说外语怎么行?要是两万块花光了该怎么活下去?回来后还能不能找到工作?


朋友面对一堆问题毫无头绪,正巧看到小区门口贴着周末英文学习班的广告,头脑一热就报了名,没想到就在那里遇见了下一段爱情。这一次的男生,是扔进人堆里就翻不出来的那一类,外表实在平凡,可是当他作为年轻的英文老师,站在讲台上把自己的人生信条分享给同学时,又是那么的魅力非凡。


朋友发了个狂笑的表情:“那是我第一次意识到,一个男人的内心,可以弥补外表所有的硬伤。”


3

班上的同学来自社会上的各行各业,年龄差异悬殊,却都被年轻教师广阔的知识面所征服,两个钟头的课时常常要延长到整个上午。这个幽默风趣的男人,平日里在一家公司做翻译,周末到补习班做英文老师,人生经历广阔丰富,在西藏和牧民骑马,在印度冥想过七日,在澳洲的果园里摘果子,在德国一路搭车一路旅行……


他为初学英文的同学介绍电影和书籍,他的出租屋就成为读书会和电影会的固定场所。朋友第一次去男生租的单间里,就被他庞大的藏书量震惊了,她一本一本地瞄过去,古今中外的经典,厚厚的摄影杂志、旅行指南……


这并不是一个宽裕的房间,可是空间虽然狭小却处处都干净整洁,墙壁上贴满旅行照片和人生计划,桌面上摆着娇艳的小菊花……那一刻,她爱上他,因为他的生活就是她的梦想。


后来他们在一起,生活处处都有未曾体验过的惊喜。


朋友说:“就是他帮我一点点重塑了生活中的热情和梦想。两个人依旧是不富裕的,可是还会从收入里抽出一部分定期买书,回家后一同写书评,虽然也会为了省钱在家看电影,但看的电影再不是什么票房大片,而是经典的老电影。我恢复了博客,他帮着筛选出好的文章投稿给出版社,偶尔还能得来一笔小小的收入。


后来,他建议我忘掉间隔年的想法,去找一份本职工作,闲暇时写写稿子,把额外的收入攒起来,我们就用这样一笔笔积少成多的钱,走过了好多地方,而当我因为努力工作,终于攒够了一笔小小的资金,而定期给杂志社写稿也不必让我发愁失去生活来源时,我才开始了我的间隔年……”


我非常羡慕朋友游历各国的经历,不禁问她:“就是这个英文老师带你去的澳洲吗?你们现在的生活一定非常幸福吧!”朋友回复:“我是独自出门旅行的,我们早就不在一起了啦!”沉默几许,说:“但是他给我留下来很多很多正面的影响,还在一直发挥效用。”


朋友在网上把她的爱情故事细致地讲给我,听起来却更像是恋爱中美好的自我升值过程。


4

我忽然想起读书时她是个多么胆怯而没有主意的小女孩,大家都在畅想成为“大人物”的时候,她却在现实里优柔寡断,没什么提神的梦想和抱负。而如今当年一同玩耍的小女孩大多嫁作人妇过上平淡的日子,她却成为这样一个敢于独自闯荡的女孩子。这样的改变经历了十年的光景,人常说时间可以改变一个人,其实改变一个人的,或许是我们在时光里所遇见的各式爱情。


你遇见一段眼界狭窄的爱情,就如跌落进只能看到头顶一块天空的深井里,而你收获一段视野开阔的爱情,它就为你提供了一双翅膀,让你飞出井底的荒芜。


在心理学上,有一种效应叫“变色龙效应”,说的是我们很容易去模仿别人,越是亲密的人,我们越容易模仿,夫妻间相互模仿,动作神情以及气质也会越来越相似。


我们常常会羡慕一对相爱的情侣在容貌上相似,竟如同出自一个家庭,却往往忽略了,在一段爱情中作为彼此最重要的生活伙伴,情侣所各自坚持的价值观也会渐渐趋于一致。一个人的言行、思维、眼界、观念,都会同单身的时候有着巨大的差别。


这也就是为什么我们看着身边恋爱后的朋友惊呼,天哪,他/她怎么像变了一个人?!爱可以改造一个人,也足以毁掉一个人。


5

我读书时结交的男性朋友,经历过多年的单身生活,终于牵手一个美貌的女孩。他把女孩介绍给我,我在脸书上加她为好友,却看到满屏负面的信息。


女生觉得自己英文不好决心努力学习,却说“好困啊我要睡觉,不学习了”;女孩把减肥当作唯一的事业,频频发表“发现我真是吃饱了没事做,每次都要吃胖了再减”;有时女孩也会把自己的小脾气毫无遮掩地显示在网络上,“你把我恶心到了,再也不打电话给你了,气死我了”。


后来和男生聊天时,他说到自己不再去徒步和旅行,因为女朋友说,才不要一身臭汗,晒到皮肤黝黑;也不再去博物馆看各种大型的展览,因为女朋友抱怨,太无聊了,不如在家看电视剧。他说最近十分苦闷,想要申请移民,只能独自研究材料,女孩却完全帮不上忙,既不会英文,也没有习得一份技能,这些年在国外的时间全部白白度过。我在电话这端不语,深深为那个逝去的他默哀。


费尔巴哈说,爱就是成就一个人。可是我想,好的爱情才可以成就一个人,坏的爱情,令人从敏锐变得愚钝,从勇敢变得唯唯诺诺,从积极变得堕落,甚至毁掉一个人成为更好存在的潜质。


相关科学报告显示,爱情其实是身体里一系列化学反应,就是这些化学反应让我们常常爱得无法自拔,不顾他/她是英雄还是恶霸,非她不娶或非他不嫁。可是在多巴胺发挥作用时,请给自己足够的理智,去判断眼前的这个人,到底是一个喜欢周末窝在家里沙发上看一整天电视的人,还是对新鲜事物满怀好奇,愿意和你一起探索生命的人?


人生是漫长的修炼,伴侣是最重要的同伴和导师。和一个视野开阔的人在一起,生命中会有很多精彩的发现,而如果此时的你没能拥有这样的爱情,也别急着甩掉身边的那个人,每一段爱情都值得尊重,至少你还有选择成为一个视野开阔的人的机会。


人生太短暂,相爱须谨慎。


- END -

杨熹文


It is very important that with an eye shot open person talks love

Article of article | Yang Xi 

Lose the friend with old contact, appear on QQ, situation shows in Australia, I in screen this end exclamations, see the exclamation mark that that one aspect of the matter sends continuously. Two playmate of ten years old of acquaintance, grow to approach the wife of 3 now, expenditure drops almost daylong time, just make up for on the extract that after breaking couplet, lives severally. We scream to also weep in the excitement in each other story sigh, she casts suddenly come the leer of be ashamed of a charming: "Want not to think the feeling that a few years this listens to me is experienced? " I nod, send her the expression of a the Eight Diagrams.


1

The first paragraph of amour happening of the friend is in campus, in those days she is 20 years old. Two major the youth of different major, in self-study room Li Qian lets a seat, "Because be in the crowd,just saw you more " , each other maintain this is a paragraph of predeterminate the fate brings lovers together.


Campus amour does not need the element with complex what, the company with self-study shoulder to shoulder room, dinner is shared in the dining room, the good night short message in the late night, the hand pulls driveway of hand ground make friends on the weekend, enough makes a paragraph of simple love.


But, gradually, the friend discovers on boy friend body a few bizarre behavior. For instance, to had reduced weight when oneself midday is not fed must cluck in hunger of self-study room abdomen in the evening when cluck cries, the boy friend can pull her in the dining room to call a big top to irrigate a meal forcibly. At first friend is touched very, see the boy friend is in however settle accounts when regressive one pace, see her turn over meal card hurriedly in the bag at the same time, explain with dining room aunt at the same time: "Not be to give what I eat... " for instance, after dining together with brother every time, the boy friend wants to tell feeling pleasedly with her: "Really good, it is Xx is grabbing bought sheet... " when laying even two people eating house to improve food together even, the boy friend does not forget to remind her: "Be being answered on is the Zhang that I written guarantee, this... "


Having absolutely discretion besides the purse to oneself, the boy friend also is having in the life obstinate and extreme view.


See every time the schoolboy is leaving to run quickly when BMW appears in campus, maintain " it is gens spelling dad absolutely " , hear the schoolgirl gets in renown look forward to an exercitation works to make wild guesses " certainly dry dad photograph is aided " , at the same time also often oneself this ordinary extraction regards as the excuse of a certain number of failure: "Do not have method, also can be the poor's life only hard again! Also can be the poor's life only hard again!!


But after these can not prevent a friend to choose graduating, stay in with him same the city struggles, she believes love can overcome all limitation, can live together the life brought tremendous change very quickly to her. The friend goes regularly no longer the bookshop buys magazine and novel, because the boy friend says: "The book is so expensive, is looking on the net same? Is looking on the net same??


She also kept rich customer of 3 years newlier on the net no longer, because the boy friend looked twice to lose interest: "You who does the article of those make a fuss about an imaginary illness have to you can look? ! " she suggests to go on the weekend no longer the cinema sees 3D is big, expect to plan a trip for New year holidays no longer, the novel that cares which literary youth no longer sells in heat, be attended no longer even and boudoir is sweet people once a week afternoon tea, however complete be in harmony takes mediocre and unambitious crowd in, absorption do a girl that cares a day of 3 eat and life bagatelle only.


2

After graduating two years, the friend goes attending classmate party, surprisingly discovery in former days in be blamed by oneself vulgar schoolboy, combined a film with iron tower of dust humble Er, listening to the new book that there is a certain writer between the schoolgirl and column, she this in those days the talented woman is opposite unexpectedly this utterly ignorant.


The somebody on table is talked about that evening dish is, somebody talks about foreign experience, somebody discussion invests conduct financial transactions, somebody asks her: "Be in two this years busy what? " her forced smile, not know what is said, to the crab look on in despair before.


After the friend comes home turn over bank card silently, 20 thousand are his total saving, she sealed up for keeping the viatic dream of for a long time is in inmost ready to do sth, choose the boy friend before TV: "We go travelling, go southeast Asia, it is OK also to swim thoroughly experience this next one worlds! " her boy friend has rolled a head, push spectacles, ground of speak with justice says: "I am sorry, I still prefer the girl that sureness gets along. I still prefer the girl that sureness gets along..


Friend flower clears away baggage night, fill in each thing that concerns with oneself in the rented house into ash-bin. She breaks connection with past behead thoroughly, delete a boy friend all contact means, demit drops that job that does not have preferment opportunity forever, grasp a piece of 20 thousand bank card, the interval that thinks him supply is late year.


But dream to always come romance is simply than reality, begin to be truly when her all the year round when the journey makes a plan, discover oneself are done not have so however so brave, all sorts of never place in via the problem of the hand at the moment, go does home swims or abroad swim? Does abroad swim how does visa do? Go which country? Won't say how the foreign language goes? If did 20 thousand flowers become smooth this how subsist? Can be the job still found after coming back?


The friend faces one caboodle problem to be without main threads of an affair, happen to sees village doorway is being stuck on the weekend the advertisement of English study class, one heat signed up brains, did not think of to encounter below one paragraph of love over. This schoolboy, it is a kind that when be thrown into person caboodle to break up not to come out, appearance is really ordinary, but become him to regard young English as the teacher, when standing on dais to share oneself life article of creed or faith to the classmate, it is so glamour extraordinary.


The friend sent an expression of guffaw: "That is I realize for the first time, the heart of a man, can make up for appearance all hard injuries. Can make up for appearance all hard injuries..


3

The classmate on the class comes from socially all trades and professions, age difference wide gap, be conquered by young teacher's capacious intellectual face place however, the class hour of two hour often should be lengthened whole in the morning. This humorous and humor man, ferial in the interpreter is done in a company, become English teacher to class of take lessons after school on the weekend, life experience is capacious and rich, mix in Tibet herdsman is equestrian, in India contemplative pass 7 days, fruit is picked in Australian orchard, build a car to travel all the way all the way in Germany...


He introduces the film and book for the classmate of English of begin to learn, his rented house is become read meeting and the fixed place that the film meets. Friend first time goes in the cell that the schoolboy hires, be collected books bulkily to measure by him astonished, she an one this locality takes aim in the past, of at all times and in all over the world classical, thick photography magazine, guidebook...


This is not an ample room, but although the space is narrow however everywhere clean and neat, full journey photograph and life plan are stuck on wall, there is delicate and charming young mum on the desktop... that momently, she falls in love with him, because his life is her dream.


They are together later, the life has the surprise that have not has experienced everywhere.


The friend says: "It is he helps me little weighs model the enthusiasm in the life and dream. Two people are not rich as before, but still can take out one part to buy a book regularly from income, book review is written together after coming home, although also can be in the home to see a movie for be economical, but the film or else that look is what booking office is big, however classic old movie. I restored rich settle or live in a strange place, he is helping a sieve single out good article contribute to give a press, still can get now and then come the income with small brushstroke.


Later, he suggests I forget interval year idea, go seeking an own job, write for a magazine is written when leisure child, rise extra income save money, we use such brushstroke pens the money of many a little makes a mickle, had taken a lot of place, and because work hard,become me, eventually save money became enough the fund with small brushstroke, and also need not let me be anxious to magazine company write for a magazine regularly when losing source of income, the interval that I just began me year... "


I special envy friend is itinerary the experience of each country, can't help asking her: "Be the Australia that this English teacher takes you to go? You present life is certain special happiness! " the friend replies: "I am to go out alone of the journey, we were not together early! " silent how much, say: "But he stays to me the influence of a lot of a lot of fronts, still developing effectiveness all the time. Still developing effectiveness all the time..


The friend tells me meticulously in the her love story on the net, sound however more appreciate like the ego that is the happiness in love process.


4

I remember when reading, she is suddenly how cowardly and those who do not have an idea is small the girl, everybody is in let one's thought flow freely become " VIP " when, she is indecisive in reality however, the dream with life-giving it doesn't matter and aspiration. And nowadays in those days together the little girl of amuse oneself marries a person mostly Fu passes on flat life, she is become however such one dares to enter the girl that swing alone. Such change experienced scene of 10 years, the person often says time can change a person, change a person actually, it is the various love that we encounter in days probably.


You encounter the love of stricture of a paragraph of horizon, if decline,enter the deep well that can treat in the end to carry a sky on the head only in, and the love that you harvest a paragraph of eye shot to widen, it offerred a pair of wing for you, let you fly off the desolation of the bottom of a well.


On psychology, a kind of effect cries " chameleon effect " , those who say is we imitate others very easily, the more close person, we are imitated more easily, imitate each other between husband and wife, behavioral expression and temperament also are met more and more similar.


We often can envy a pair of admiring sweethearts similar on appearance, unexpectedly as out a family, however often oversight, each other regard as the most important life associate in a paragraph of love, respective importunate viewpoint of value also meets sweethearts place tend gradually consistent. One the individual's words and deeds, thinking, horizon, idea, metropolis with lone when having vast difference.


This namely why we are looked at beside the friend after love exclamations, day, he / how did she resemble changing a person? ! Love can transform a person, also enough finish a person.


5

The male friend of the associate with when I read, had experienced old single life, pull a hand eventually a fine-looking girl. He gives me girl introduction, I add her to be a good friend on facial book, see Man Bing's negative news however.


The schoolgirl feels from personal English bad determination tries hard to learn, say however " very tired ah I should sleep, did not learn " ; The girl reduce weight regard as sole cause, publish again and again " discover I am really satiate do not have a thing to do, should eat every time fat decrease again " ; Sometimes the girl also can be without her small disposition cloak ground shows go up in the network, "You me disgusting arrived, also do not phone you again, enraged me dead " .


When chatting with the schoolboy later, his him respecting goes no longer pedestrian with the journey, because the girlfriend says, just do not want a suit smelly sweat, bask in the skin dark; Also go no longer museum sees all sorts of large exhibitions, because the girlfriend complains, too dull, be inferior to seeing teleplay in the home. He says very dejected recently, want to apply for immigrant, can study data alone only, the girl does not give help completely however on, both neither is met English, also get a technical ability without be used to, these all white whiteness spends year of time that is in abroad. I in the phone this is carried not language, it is parting that his stand in silent tribute deeply.


Feierbaha says, love even if make a person. But I think, Good love just can make a person, bad love, your person becomes fatheaded from acumen, cong Yong dare become obsequious, from become actively degenerate, even a person becomes finish of better existence go qualitative.


Scientific report shows related, love is a series of chemical reaction in the body actually, it is these chemical reaction let us often love cannot extricate oneself, disregard him / she is hero or local tyrant, be not her to be not married or be not him to be not married. But be in much cling to when amine produces effect, give oneself sufficient reason please, go judging this individual before, it is one likes the person that the nest sees daylong TV on the sofa in the home on the weekend after all, still be full of curiosity to strange thing, be willing to explore the person of life together with you?


Life is endless Xiu Lian, the spouse is the most important companion and adviser. With an eye shot open person is together, the meeting in life has a lot of wonderful discovery, and if right now you fail to have such love, also fasten rapid move to swing that individual beside, each paragraphs of love is respectable, at least the opportunity of the person that you still have a choice to become an eye shot to widen.


Life is too brief, beard loving each other is careful.



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Yang Xi article

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